Love and some verses

“I found the dark honey I’d known in the woods (on your lips).”
— Pablo Neruda

Tonight, I’ve been going through old notebooks. This is something I do from time to time: exploring old heartspaces, seeing how well I recognize myself. (I wonder if it is like visiting a house you lived in but moved from long ago. That’s right, there was a loose board there where I could hide my secret things. Or whatever. I didn’t move around as a kid.) I’ve been finding letters I wrote but never sent — do you ever do that? If it’s a lyric to a Goo Goo Dolls song, it can’t be all that uncommon. My favorite line so far: “The way I miss you changes, like how sometimes you might want to remind your tongue what strawberries taste like.” Did she know I had an aversion to strawberries when I wrote that?

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In addition to that gem, I found another: the outline of my philosophy (theory?) about how to create attraction in someone you’ve just met. Considering I criticized men for using spy tactics to get closer to women, it’s only fair to elaborate on what I think is a good way to do so. Here it is:

Break the ice. Introduce yourself into her consciousness in a way that makes her want to keep talking to you.

Communicate your value. Communicate — through your words and your nonverbals — the things that make you interesting, compelling and attractive. (Does it matter that interesting and compelling are synonyms?)

Let her prove hers. If she never offers you a reason to find her interesting and attractive, you are basing your interest on superficial things alone. Whether they are consciously aware of it or not, I think women get suspicious of interest without basis, but feel secure in interest they believe they’ve earned. So let them earn it!

Bridge to an activity. A phone number is just a string of numerals if you don’t have a valid reason to use it. Find an activity you both find exciting, and plan to do that together. Then a phone number becomes incidental, a piece of logistics rather than an end unto itself.

Though I stand by this, it feels an awful lot like an online guide to navigating job interviews. At best, it’s a mental checklist for the things you should naturally cover when you meet someone new and want to see them again; at worst, it oversimplifies things to such a degree that it might make interactions mechanical. (Besides, what woman wants to find out she was won by a formula? Every other woman may be the same, but she is a beautiful and unique snowflake. Make that step five.) Take it for what it is: a set of guidelines, not a recipe.

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4 thoughts on “Love and some verses

  1. Steve(n):

    “If she never offers you a reason to find her interesting and attractive, you are basing your interest on superficial things alone. Whether they are consciously aware of it or not, I think women get suspicious of interest without basis, but feel secure in interest they believe they’ve earned. So let them earn it!”

    You hit the nail on the head with that one. Truly. I might have to borrow this.

    -J

    P.S
    Have you ever considered writing for the Men of Hope blog?

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